The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Wogs in Space

Well, thank goodness we've opted ourselves out of this insidious scheme. The ghastly Euro-wogs and the Heathen Chinee are plotting to collaborate in constructing a base on the moon; a plot which might well be sold as an international endeavour despite failing to include the United States and the New Global Imperium of England, Wales, Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands. The Heathen Chinee have been excluded from the International Space Station because of American concerns over their space programme's military connections; never having done anything remotely military before, NASA apparently felt it would be at an undue disadvantage. Now that the flat-earthers have taken over Washington, it remains to be seen how the free world will react to bits of the moon being made foreign in front of its eyes. Thanks to their famously practical and non-ideological temperament, the British are likely to find a certain amusement in the clumsiness of the enterprise: apparently the project is to involve mere experts, and even scientists, and years upon years of effort, research and investment. This is of course far inferior to the pluckily buccaneering British method: namely to sulk, threaten and offend until the moon is shamed into fulfilling its moral obligation to accommodate our every whim.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Lessons They Won't Forget

Enemies of the people, infected by the ghastly foreign doctrine of human rights, are criticising the tough love régime at the Feltham child warehousing facility. A teenager is complaining to the high court over being kept in solitary confinement twenty-three and a half hours a day, even though he was allowed the luxury of half an hour's taxpayer-funded freedom to gossip on the phone or take drugs. In the spirit of the Graybeing book ban, he received no education; and he was not allowed to exercise in the gym, although such undeserved luxuries remain statutory until the glittering advent of our much-anticipated post-European British Bill of Rights, Responsibilities and Rah-Rah. About a third of imprisoned children spend some time under similar conditions, and a couple of bleeding-heart busybodies have worried about the lack of formal governance in such cases. The Ministry for Profitable Incarceration has admitted that there was no statutory authority for preventing the teenager's association with other children; but no doubt there was a good, sound, common-sense reason behind it, such as not omitting the punitive element, or economising on tutors.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Uncertain Intelligence

Not all members of the Not Awfully Bright Party are opposed to recycling, it appears. While others dredged up some of the Milibeing's policies from two years ago (with circumstances changing every five minutes and a pledge-keeper of Mad Tessie's calibre in charge, they can afford to go hog-wild with the promises), the less imaginative wing of the party was blathering out the old Cold War caution about pretenders to prime-ministerial office who hate Britain so much that they aren't even prepared to start World War Three. The blustering blimp in charge of wog-bombing proclaimed a first-strike nuclear weapons policy in the interest of creating uncertainty in the minds of those poised to attack us (Russia? North Korea? Spain? Britain First?), while manifesting much patriotic indignation at the uncertainty inherent in the Labour leader's inclination to ask questions before drone-kicking some terrorist buttock. Just imagine the disasters that might have occurred if Britain's late Head Boy had spent the run-up to his glorious Libya campaign making strange, communistic queries like "what actual good will it do?"

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Then They Came for the Fat People

Fat and pollutive persons who have the temerity to be ill while lacking sufficient British pluck and gumption to afford private healthcare are to receive their proper come-uppance under plans to ration NHS care according to worthiness of lifestyle. "We are seeing, bit by bit, the destruction of the solidarity that this country has been so proud of with the NHS," mourned the Liberal Democrat health spokesbeing, Norman Lamb, whose principled resignation from ministerial office over the Bullingdon Club's vandalism of the NHS was one of the moral highlights of the coalition in a universe slightly less cretinous than this one. The medical director for NHS England in Yorkshire and Humber has written a letter supporting management of resources "for the benefit of all patients" by forcing smokers and the obese to wait longer for hip or knee surgery. Those denied such surgery can suffer severe pain, as they deserve, and have trouble walking, which means they will burn off the calories that much more efficiently as they hobble towards their foie gras from the food bank.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Social Disease

As the Christian state of Arkansas bags itself another nigrah four minutes before the death warrant was due to expire, researchers have discovered that legally-sanctioned death by medication may have adverse consequences for real people. The drugs which are used for lethal injections are also used for curing taxpayers, and some have fallen into short supply; at least four death-penalty states, including the Christian state of Arkansas, are hoarding them. In a particularly deplorable lapse of American values, one of the country's largest pharmaceutical suppliers is suing the Christian state of Arkansas to prevent the use of drugs which the company says were obtained by state officials under false pretences. Although they claimed to be re-stocking prison hospitals, these angels of mercy were hiding their virtue under a bushel: in fact the drugs were to be held against the day when they might be required to provide closure for grieving relatives and show whining liberal snowflakes what God's justice really means.

Friday, April 21, 2017

No More Black on the Union Jack

More than three decades after the sainted Thatcher crushed the saboteurs of the Enemy Within, Britain is set to declare final victory over the pernicious national disease that has plagued the country since the start of the Industrial Revolution. The National Grid has predicted that the first working day without coal power generation is nigh; and the last coal-fired power station is due to close in a few years under the rubric of meeting the Government's climate change commitments. Other symptoms of the Government's interest in meeting its climate change commitments include abolishing the relevant ministry; cosying up to the Trumpster, who does not believe in climate change; and appointing drooling imbeciles like Owen Paterson and Andrea Leadsom to the Department for Environment, Floods and Whatever. The true significance of Britain's first coal-free day is much happier, more glorious, more far-reaching and patriotic. With the rise of new and sustainable energy sources such as Russian gas and blanched radioactive Franco-Chinese pachyderms, the nation is finally at liberty to march towards a future that is free from the centuries-long moral stain of reliance on uppity coal-miners.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Criminal Psychology

In a kingdom as prosperous and united as our own, it is sometimes necessary for human resources to flexibilitise their starvation-avoidance functionality. Hence teachers are required to spy out Muslims for the security services, GPs are ordered to double up as border police, and the boys in blue themselves are now frequently required to cover for the mental health services which were cut to pieces by the Bullingdons and their little orange enablers. As Home Secretary, the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK presided over massive cutbacks in wasteful red tape (or sacking of experienced staff, in Standard English), thereby leaving the police in the best possible state to intervene where the tattered remnants of the hated public sector have unaccountably failed to prevent someone having a mental breakdown. The new commissioner of the Metropolitan Police has a vision of a force with fewer officers and more tasers, which certainly ought to help matters; particularly given that a dead paranoid schizophrenic is arguably even easier to defame than a dead immigrant electrician.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Spiritually Foreign

Given our great country's present parlous state, with almost half the population comprising saboteurs, enemies of the people, citizens of nowhere, non-white working classes and other metrosexual élites, it is surely an insult to Britishness that young Muslims have been approached on the subject of terrorism with anything other than an order to condemn and denounce. Nevertheless, a study has been carried out by a professor of criminology at Birmingham City University, and has risked provoking righteous wrath in the more united parts of the kingdom with its lack of democratic feeling. Rather than favouring hanging, flogging and other means of British law and order which have hitherto been forbidden by Euro-wog human rights lawyers, the survey's respondents favoured alien, Sharia-tainted measures such as reintegration and rehabilitation. One interviewee had the temerity to note that inflicting the stick without offering a carrot can lead to reoffending: an attitude which goes against everything the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration stands for. Others made the inevitable quasi-foreign complaints about wog-bombing, and worried about, of all things, a "lack of identity", as though the categories of suspected immigrant, suspected extremist or even brown person were somehow not good enough. Well, really, how un-British can one get?

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Her Promising Career

All Englishmen and lesser breeds
Can always look to me
As one who marches straight, and leads
With true consistency.

I have a mandate strong and bold;
I don't get in a flap,
And certainly will never hold
Elections that are snap.

Last year I joined with the campaign
To stay in the EU;
That we'd be better to Remain
Is certainly untrue.

Division cannot help but feed
The SNP infection,
And that is why we do not need
A general election.

I am convinced that workers should
Be given far more say;
I'm certain it would do no good
If they should get their way.

Some sixty million people all
Are with me, staunch and burly;
I have no need or wish to call
Elections that are early.

Humility, most Jesus-deep,
My vicar parent spurred:
No earthly thing is mine to keep -
Especially my word.

Verity Trumpette

Monday, April 17, 2017

An Expensive Place to Die

Some of the more buccaneering and entrepreneurial elements of the senior citizens disposal industry have been emulating Tin-Pot Tessie's favourite boot-boys. It will be remembered that those efficient people at G4S and Serco were caught charging the taxpayer for monitoring deceased miscreants; the care home industry has now adopted a similar business model by charging residents' families for accommodation after the residents have died. Some consumers ("relatives", in pre-family-values Oldspeak) are also being forced to subsidise shortfalls in state funding since the state, as a privileged client, is excused from funding the care of dead people so as to have more money to spend on their surveillance. As one would expect from caring people, the trade body for the senior citizens disposal industry defended the arrangement by stating that it was stipulated in the contracts. If care consumers are dissatisfied, they can always shop around; just try doing that in the Stalinist dystopia that is the hated public sector.