The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Why Can't They Just Be Hypocrites Like Normal Civilised People?

Shockingly enough, in spite of the late Head Boy's victory rah-rah some years ago, the uncivilised tribes in Afghanistan do not appear to have caught up with his enlightened attitude to LGBT people, and prefer instead the British values of the potent, pig-sticking Bullingdon boy who supported Clause 28. A similar attitude has now been adopted by the Ministry for Wog Disposal, whose new guidelines rule that gay Afghan asylum seekers should expect to find a hostile environment in Tin-Pot Tessie's North Korea of muscular Christianity. Since all they need do in order to ensure their safety is deny their own identity, the Home Office sees no particular reason why the new, outward-looking Britain should have to clog itself up with excess homosexuals. Like the well-known free-speech squealer Milo Yiannopoulos, the Home Office blithely equates tolerance of paedophilia with acceptance of non-heterosexuals: a cultural insight so charming that even the Home Office's own Afghan unit choked. And just think of all those gay British jobs that will be saved for British workers.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Brows Furrow, Veins Throb and There Commences a Hideous Parody of Cerebration

After only several years of the London Haystack's defiance of pompous Euro-wog regulations of British air, the Government has noticed that pollution in London is a Bad Thing, possibly for no other reason than that London now has a darky Labour mayor. That brilliant intellect and sometime cyclist-clobberer Chris Graybeing has taken decisive action: he has advised readers of the Rothermere Daily Stürmer to "take a long, hard think" before buying a car. It's typical enough of ministers to advise the proles to take action of which they themselves are morally and physically incapable; doubtless the fruits of Graybeing's homily will be apparent in the coming year's statistics for cerebral haemorrhage among the Stürmer-reading populace. In the longer term, the Government plans to use public money to bribe motorists to buy greener (there, presumably, goes another chunk of the National Health Service's weekly £350 million Brexit bonanza) because the spending of public money on public transport is forbidden by religious doctrine.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Alternative Energy

Some investment bankers and a climate change denier have very newsworthily criticised the Government's pitifully inadequate clean-energy measures for going too far. A cross-party group from Parliament's House of Donors and Droolers has proclaimed that the Government should stop giving priority to its legal obligations under the Climate Change Act (to say nothing of permitting the country to remain humanly habitable) and should instead concentrate on cutting bills for potential Conservative voters. Since recent price increases are mainly due to higher gas prices, the noble peers naturally advocate making it easier for fossil fuel power plants to operate. The committee includes the failed chancellor Norman Lamont, and also Andrew Turnbull, who - although Britain's leading liberal newspaper did not see fit to mention it - is coincidentally a trustee of the Global Warming Policy Foundation, the climate-change-denying thick-tank chaired by the ludicrous Nigel Lawson.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Munich Syndrome

So eager is the Imperial Haystack to maintain close and friendly relations with the Euro-wogs that he has followed up his implication that anyone who deprives an ex-member of club privileges is a Nazi with an equally tactful reference to Britain's stamping and squealing its way out as a "liberation". It remains as unclear as ever which specific laws and rules were forcibly imposed by Brussels and/or Strasbourg without the democratic ratification of our Mother of Parliaments, as a Swedish MEP was tactless enough to point out. The Haystack, who likes to confound junior ticks by blathering in Latin, accused her of being pompous although, despite her being a filly, and a Scandinavian filly to boot, he managed to restrain himself from quoting the strutting ex-Caudillo of the Farage Falange on the subject of Sweden's rape statistics. One does wonder, however, given his obvious sensitivity to the oppressive Euro-wog yoke, why the Imperial Haystack should have declared his wish to maintain a close relationship. Has the Churchill in his shaving-mirror been edged out by a Quisling, or even a Lord Haw-Haw?

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Out of the Silent Planets

Fury at xenomorphic apathy

The purely theoretical inhabitants of the Trappist-1 planetary system have responded with equanimity to the excitement they have inadvertently caused in one of the less gentrified districts of the universe.

Simian astronomers on a small blue planet which is rapidly turning black have registered considerable emotion at the thought of discovering alien life in the middle of a local extinction event caused by their own species.

Although the potential for commercial exploitation of the hypothetical xenoids remains as yet unclear, the British government has stated that it will be happy to sell the aliens weapons and train their police forces.

The statement went on to say that no infringement of British sovereignty would be tolerated, and that the aliens should not imagine that the purely speculative nature of their existence would entitle them to get away with any liberties.

The aliens themselves, so far, have not responded to requests for comment and have shown very few signs of being perturbed by the controversy.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Hopeful Signs

There is, as we know because the race-baiting Clegg-pledger Amber Rudd has told us, no better deterrent to a people-trafficker than refusing to help refugees; and if one can also renege on a commitment involving help for vulnerable children, then so much the more salutary. Traffickers in Libya have been doing a roaring trade since the late Head Boy's freedomisation of the country through wog-bombing and laissez-mourir liberalism, and they have responded to the latest moral lesson in admirably entrepreneurial fashion. Rather than going to the trouble and expense of shipping refugees to Europe, they are taking the engines off their boats so that more people can be crammed on board, and then abandoning the refugees at sea; which has resulted in yet further security for at least seventy-four British jobs. The practice of charging poor people money for promises on which one has no intention of delivering seems to indicate that the uncivilised tribes are at last making substantial progress towards genuine democracy.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Bringing the War Within Almost But Not Quite Measurable Distance of Something or Other

Remarkably enough, despite the late Head Boy's official victory rah-rah nearly two and a half years ago, it appears that our mission to civilise the fuzzy-wuzzies in Afghanistan is not quite so accomplished as we had been led to believe. The blustering blimp at the Ministry for Wog-Bombing has repeated last week's suggestion by the flunkey in charge of cannon-fodder that, thanks to the stability achieved through sixteen years of military intervention, total collapse can be prevented only by further military intervention. Such a collapse, blubbered the blustering blimp, would result in "three to four million young Afghan men sent out by their villages to migrate westwards" and, no doubt, to perform hideous Islamic acts of job-stealing upon our lily-white memsahibs, whatever prophylactic measures may be taken in the meantime by the Home Office and its efficient child-jailing chums at G4S. If it was right to go in and cock things up, blathered the blustering blimp (I paraphrase slightly), then it cannot be right to leave before we've cocked things up as thoroughly as can be managed.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

It Couldn't Happen Here

So dedicated are the Heathen Chinee to their anti-American hoax that they have called in an architect who is foreign even to them in an effort to green their most polluted cities. Stefano Boeri, who designs buildings coated with plant life, has been commissioned to build two neighbouring towers covered in trees and shrubs, and has hopes of applying the principle to an entire city in the near future. Although Britain is a world leader in the fight against climate change, thanks to our American frackers and Franco-Chinese radiation hazards, there is of course no necessity for any such extreme measures here because of the quantity of vegetable matter at the highest levels of Government.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Lower Countries

Geologists in the well-known British Imperial possession of New Zealand have discovered that those humble islands are an outcrop of a large submerged mass which answers all the criteria for a continent, except for the minor one of being above water; and since many more land-masses are likely to become submerged in the near future, it hardly seems fair to quibble over that. The new Imperial territory has been named Zealandia, and governments worldwide are no doubt considering the possibilities of ambassadorships for their nations' more inconvenient luminaries. It is understood that our own Foreign and Colonial Office has already made appropriate diplomatic overtures, ordering the continent to sell its resources cheap and forbidding migration to the British mainland.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Efficiency Savings

Mere experts have once again attempted to put a spoke in the well-oiled machine that is Jeremy C Hunt's National Health Service. Researchers have published the extraordinary claim that unprecedented cuts to public health services have led to an unprecedented rise in excess mortality. The Government, which prefers its excess mortality confined to fictitious "weekend spikes", the better to motivate junior doctors, has naturally shrugged the whole thing off, since the researchers are from a medical institution, an academic institution and a local authority in, if you please, the north of England; hence their links to the Conservative Party or its chums, and thus their scientific impartiality towards alternative facts, must at best be dubious.